Late-diagnosed autistic adults often live with a fragmented sense of self, struggling to understand their true identity. You may find yourself asking, “Who am I beneath all these layers of expectations, responsibilities, and misunderstandings?” In this post, I want to invite you to embark on a journey of self-discovery. You can uncover your true authentic self by peeling back the layers of identity shaped by responsibilities, relationships, and external validation, It’s natural to hesitate. Perhaps you fear what you might find or feel overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of this task, especially when combined with the challenges you’re already facing.
I want to offer you a roadmap for cultivating practices like reflective journaling, mindfulness, and meditation, which alongside insights from autism studies, have helped me as an autistic adult find some clarity and peace about my own identity. These tools can encourage and empower you to navigate your challenges of sensory overwhelm, unclear social expectations and subsequent misunderstandings with compassion and self-awareness on the transformation journey.
Starting this journey requires taking the first step: carving out time for introspection. Create a quiet space in your life—whether five minutes of stillness, a page of journaling, or even a single deep breath—to begin connecting with yourself without judgment. This might involve writing about daily emotions or setting aside time for quiet meditation. Whatever practice or practices you choose building this time into your daily routine can help you make this connection with your true self, even amidst external chaos.
Understanding The Layers of Fragmented Identity: Why It’s Hard to Find Ourselves
Many autistic adults struggle to understand themselves because their self is fragmented. Outwardly you may identify with your responsibilities, your relationships, or the expectations of society. Inwardly it could be past traumas of being misunderstood and misjudged or your self-will and determinations that define you. These different layers may be at odds with one another obscuring your true identity. Getting to the heart of the matter is not that easy.
Imagine finally getting your child settled in school. As you navigate the bustling street, you spot someone you would love to chat with, but you’re running late for work. Amid this sensory and emotional overload, you might find yourself yearning for a moment of peace or a sense of fulfilment. Yet, you also feel conflicted emotions and a disconnect from your true self.
In my experience, many challenges come with being a late-diagnosed autistic adult. The emotional toll of trying to live up to people’s contradictory expectations. The fear of someone’s judgement. People disbelieved me when I shared my diagnosis. The impact of that feeling of always pretending to be like other people and trying to fit in. All of this can be exhausting and the resulting burnout perpetuates a cycle of self-doubt, negativity and depression.
The Impact of Diagnosis on Self-Understanding: The Challenge of Self-Acceptance
An autism diagnosis can be a double-edged sword – both validating and emotionally challenging. There can be a long waiting list for an autism assessment up to, in one case, three and a half years. This is a long time not being sure that your burnout was due to autism but when it comes you may be relieved but there are still plenty of implications that still need processing including an unexpected shame.
You may have struggled with self-doubt and negative experiences all your life, which is compounded by receiving a late diagnosis – not exactly a great motivation to “find yourself” you may think. Women’s self-esteem especially is affected by the extended time of not knowing, continuing to “mask” and “camouflage” their behaviour to fit in not understanding why. They may already have been overlooked or misdiagnosed due to outdated stereotypes about autism.
However, receiving a diagnosis, even if it comes late, can help reframe past struggles that have undoubtedly caused harm. A significant realisation for me was that I wasn’t as bad-tempered or selfish as I once thought. I could reflect on past incidents and honestly conclude that my reactions were not entirely my fault. This shift in perspective opened new possibilities for me as I began to approach myself with healing self-compassion and newfound determination.
The Role of External Validation in Self-Esteem and Self-Determination
It is very normal for people to look for praise for their behaviour or compliments on how well they’ve done a job. On the other hand, behaviour that is not acceptable is criticised and receives a negative response. Autistic people think more independently and often don’t intuitively understand norms so receive a lot more negative feedback than others producing a greater unconscious need for positive feedback to validate their self-esteem.
You may be aware that you’ve been hurt and damaged by people misjudging your motives. Your independent thinking may lead you to think that you rely on internal insight but often neurodivergent people lack critical insight into themselves and their emotions so they may be unaware of their need for validation. When standing up for your values you unexpectedly react strongly to the kickback not understanding what triggered the emotional overwhelm.
As I reflected on my experience with autism, I began to notice clues that revealed surprising patterns. I observed how criticisms often triggered my meltdowns and how frequently I asked others if what I was doing or saying was acceptable. These reflections can help you shift your focus inward and take control of your life, even if it means risking disapproval. In doing so, you’ll realise that your destiny isn’t determined by the judgments of others.
Discovering Your True Inner Self Through Grounding Practices
There are practical methods like mindfulness, meditation, and reflective journaling that can be tailored to autistic adults as tools to access your inner self. Carve out a few minutes in your routine every day. When demands begin to encroach on that time set boundaries to prevent you from being distracted from the task. This in itself risking misunderstanding is essential to preserve time and energy for this process of self-discovery.
You will encounter other barriers to introspection like sensory overload and overthinking which can knock you off track and prevent you from getting in touch with the different sides of your personality. This is particularly true when reflecting on difficult memories or dealing with areas of guilt. I’ve found that setting up a calming environment where you can focus on your breathing, name your emotions or reflect on your values is a good first step.
You may not immediately see any value in this but these practices can with time reveal your “true self”. You will begin to feel more integrated, more aware, present, secure, and self-compassionate. These methods will help you to dig beneath layers of guilt and worry that you’ve built up. Eventually, you will come to see that these layers are based on false self-perceptions of which you need to let go.
Transforming Your Challenges Into Integration, Wholeness, and Connection
You may fear that spending this time alone and introspecting will increase your isolation. My experience is that understanding myself enables me to connect with others better. It might be that you find groups of other neurodivergent people where you can articulate your insights, or that you naturally connect with other marginalised communities where you have empathy with people’s challenges. Understanding yourself enables you to connect with anyone more authentically.
This understanding will help you to reframe challenges like your sensitivities as strengths that enable you to increase your self-awareness. It increases your sense of security, transforms your relationships, and lets you take scary steps like setting healthy boundaries even though they may be misunderstood. You may find yourself acknowledging where you’ve hurt others, making amends without losing your internal self-worth, and integrating more authentically into your various communities.
Connecting with your true self can help you, as an autistic adult, thrive. By doing so, you can contribute positively to the lives of others from a place of security. You will feel empowered to speak up about issues that matter to you without the fear of criticism. You can influence the world in ways that reflect your unique strengths and values. Additionally, you can embrace your needs and challenges without feeling embarrassed.
Over To You
To discover your true self begin by implementing small changes in your daily life, such as setting aside reflective time. You might want to try a journaling prompt like “What emotions did I feel today, and why?” or practice a five-minute meditation focused on your breathing. Start searching for supportive resources. Practise self-compassion during difficult moments. Gradual, consistent effort builds a foundation for deeper self-discovery.
As you do this you’ll experience a profound shift: moving from reactive to thoughtful, fragmented to whole. This process will transform your self-esteem and ability to build healthy meaningful relationships and navigate the world authentically. With your newfound awareness and self-acceptance, you can take control of your life by making choices that align with your true self and setting boundaries that enable you to thrive, ready to share your unique gifts with the world and inspire others to do the same.