Many autistic adults struggle with their self-esteem, which often depends on what others think of them. When they receive praise or likes, it can feel amazing for a short time, but criticism or misunderstandings can quickly bring them down, leaving their sense of worth in a constant state of ups and downs. I want to encourage you to stop depending on outside approval and instead look for a deeper sense of value that comes from within yourself—an inner perspective that is often ignored.
At first, focusing inward can feel daunting, strange or unnecessary. Nevertheless, I want to share some of my personal experiences along with methods like journaling and introspection. My goal is to help you recognise and nurture your inner self, which is at the heart of your true worth. To get started, I suggest you think about a recent emotional reaction, perhaps to a piece of criticism. Writing about this in a journal can help you begin to identify your patterns and increase your self-awareness.
The Validation Rollercoaster: Why Self-Esteem Feels Fragile
As an autistic adult, it may surprise you that your sense of self-esteem is often influenced by external validation. It can be difficult to be aware of emotions as an autistic adult. However, if you reflect carefully, you may realise that praise and social media “likes” make you feel elated, but criticism or rejection can trigger a plunge in self-worth.
For many, this cycle of highs and lows can become exhausting, leaving you feeling as though you’re at the mercy of other people’s opinions. As an autistic adult, you can become easily overwhelmed emotionally. This heightens your sensitivity to the effects of this emotional rollercoaster, which can become a drain on your energy, making you more prone to burnout.
Autistic individuals often find introspection initially very challenging and so lack an awareness of how much we crave validation. As you are reading this, you may think, “I’m sure that’s some people, but not me.” It took me some time working on reflective journalling to recognise these patterns in myself, and this is verified by other autistic individuals and therapists.
A lack of self-awareness about this need can make you vulnerable to manipulation by others who may abuse you to meet their own psychological needs in unhealthy ways. This need to compare yourself with others can make standing up for your own needs formidable. Unless you can produce some stability, you may find that your emotions shift unpredictably, leading to meltdowns.
I have sometimes found well-meaning feedback from people close to me to be triggering and produce confusing reactions in me. It was only by revisiting them, sometimes months or years later using reflective journalling, that I began to understand these reactions. Rather than being too compliant or aggressive, I realised the need to explore and consistently assert my inner values.
These patterns exist both for autistic and non-autistic individuals. However, with autism, there come difficulties in emotional insight and greater emotional sensitivity that can greatly exacerbate these challenges. On top of these, autistic ways of relating to others are often misunderstood and misjudged by others, which adds to the pressure which puts the self-esteem of autistic people in a particularly precarious position.
Journalling and Introspection: Pathways to Your True Self
Journalling can help you recognise your emotional patterns and discover the needs for validation that you may have. Reflective practices help you tell the difference between temporary feelings influenced by outside events and the deeper truths about what truly matters to you and who you are at your core. This process can enhance your self-esteem in a lasting way.
For example, when I was journalling about a time someone hurt me, it illuminated the blind spots of underlying triggers of being misunderstood so many times in the past and a longing to be understood and accepted for who I am. I found looking at myself with this insight and self-compassion enabled me to accept myself and build my confidence.
Over time, if you persevere with introspection, you find that you have shifted away from seeking validation in others to discovering your true values and strengths and finding fulfilment in them. You’ll find it easier to navigate your triggers and truly be able to say that you are happy with other’s responses, whether they are validating or critical.
Understanding yourself in this way means you are connecting with your authentic self. When you do this, you’ll become better equipped to relate to others and find your place in groups and communities. You’ll be able to find expression of your unique characteristics, develop an understanding of others, help them understand you, and make your contribution.
This process involves confronting the core issue of your reliance on external validation. This isn’t easy to always see, but it’s probably there, obscuring your true self. As you do this, you’ll realise that your feelings are becoming less influenced by other people’s responses. You’ll realise you are in control of your feelings and can cultivate this interior world yourself.
This realisation is the reward. You will have a steady, unshakable sense of your authentic self, which includes your strengths, your needs and the values that are important to you. It is this true self that guides you through life’s successes and tough times – facing the full range of human emotions anchored with stability, grace and resilience.
So begin your journey by setting aside time each week to journal. Reflect on your emotional highs and lows and look for patterns in them. Where were your feelings influenced by someone’s validation or criticism? It will take time, but eventually, these practices will transform how you perceive yourself. The results will be that your self-esteem will be anchored in your interior world rather than external approval. Back in your daily life, this newfound sense of self will empower you to interact with others authentically and confidently. This will allow your unique contributions to shine without the fear of rejection.