Receiving my autism diagnosis later in life gave me a new level of insight into myself. Looking back at life, everything made sense. But then I realised that there was so much more to who I was than just the autism label. Was this my true self or the pull of social pressure? It can take time to disentangle these, resisting conformity and over-identification with the label.
Yes, a diagnosis gives you insight, but the journey to get to know yourself requires reflecting on many aspects of yourself: your environment, upbringing, temperament, life experiences, and values. This post will help you explore your identity beyond the autistic label and any other label, finding your true compassionate self at the core of your being.
This process of “coming home to yourself” is a well-known metaphor for embracing these insights. It also involves recognising and resisting the social pressures to conform as you embark on this deep self-exploration. This journey empowers you to reclaim your identity on your terms.
How an Autism Diagnosis Provides Insight: The Self-Discovery Phase
Your progress begins or at least takes a giant leap forward with your autism diagnosis. After many years, so many puzzling aspects of your past and your identity rapidly come together. When you research autism characteristics, you find a structure for grasping why social situations were so baffling, why you reacted as you did and why communication often went awry. Finding these explanations can be a great relief. But they’re only the beginning of a lifelong journey involving self-discovery, self-compassion and self-growth as you journey towards understanding your true self.
This involves reflecting on your traits that match an autistic profile and finding your strengths and challenges – seeing areas where you excel and others where you struggle. Autistic people often have some substantial strengths, but they also have some considerable weaknesses. You’ll learn where to leverage these strengths and where you need greater self-compassion and self-care. However, this is just the beginning. Some autistic traits will be more pronounced in you than others, and you may find others that don’t fit. We’re all unique.
As a late-diagnosed autistic adult, your autistic identity is a crucial part of you and something you can keep delving into to learn more about yourself. But it’s not everything. It is well worth looking through other lenses, too. I’ve reflected on my upbringing, life experiences, and beliefs and explored other aspects of my personality. As autistic individuals, we can get fixated on one approach, so taking these different perspectives can give you a more rounded self-understanding, preventing you from over-identifying with the label.
It can be confusing sometimes, trying to grasp who you are beyond these autistic traits. For example, are your likes and dislikes part of your true self, or are they a result of other’s expectations? As you explore what feels most natural to you, what feels safest, what feels most fulfilling, you’ll begin to find that true “you” – that reliable “you” who you can trust. Deep levels of reflection like this can be particularly difficult for autistic individuals. It needs an open mind and faith in your instincts. Perhaps start by asking yourself, “What is most important to me and why?”.
Resisting External Pressures: The Battle for Self-Identity
You’ll probably have realised by now that you’ve spent a lifetime being pushed to conform to neurotypical norms. The more I’ve reflected on this, the more I’ve realised how unnatural those responses were. I’d learnt to manage my facial expressions to convey my feelings rather than being myself. Performances like this to fit in can lead to a sense of alienation. Recognising these behaviours in yourself and the social pressures they come from is key to resisting them, and subsequent unmasking needs slow and careful practice, beginning in spaces where neurodiversity is valued.
From early on, most people learn the standards they judge themselves with for the rest of their lives. For late-diagnosed autistic people, these are nearly always the neurotypical standards. For example, you may have learnt that you should socialise more or be more independent, but you’ve internalised the neurotypical understandings of socialising and independence, which don’t work for you. I’ve learnt that it’s vital to shift towards greater self-acceptance, stop comparing myself with others and appreciate that I do things differently from the majority, but this doesn’t make me inferior to them.
Over the years, you’ve perhaps been “labelled” by people in many ways. “That’s David, he’s…” different, odd or weird people may have said. These labels don’t have to define you. The temptation now you’ve embraced your autism is to replace those labels with a new one, which is good, as far as it goes, but the true you is so much more. You get to decide what your identity looks like. Coming out as autistic will always be misunderstood by those who hold to some unhelpful, outdated ideas about autism.
But now you’ve become empowered to see your true self and resist those pressures to conform it’s essential to realise that this isn’t about being rebellious or antisocial. It’s about respecting yourself and learning to trust yourself. The more you explore your feelings and trust your ways of thinking and living, the stronger your identity becomes and the easier to becomes to resist manipulation. Coming home to yourself is about unconditionally welcoming and embracing not just your autism but every aspect of who you are and expressing that identity without the need for anyone’s approval.
Coming Home to Yourself and Living Authentically
Don’t forget realising you’re autistic is the beginning of a life-long process of patient self-reflection. For instance, you might observe when you feel most “at home” with yourself or, using another metaphor, “comfortable in your own skin”, and aim to repeat these experiences. As social pressures become less of a burden to you, your path home to authenticity will become clear. Embrace each aspect of yourself as it emerges. You are unique. You get to define your identity. No one can take that away. Your identity is your home – a place of peace and security. Enjoy the journey home.