As an autistic adult, you may have spent years masking your true self to fit social expectations, often resulting in exhaustion and a sense of disconnection. To begin the journey of unmasking your autistic identity, it’s essential to express the needs you have previously kept hidden. The fear of rejection and misunderstandings about your motives can make it difficult to establish the personal boundaries necessary for your mental health.
This guide offers insights into seven different situations where setting personal boundaries can help safeguard your well-being. You’ll find context and sample scripts to empower you in understanding your needs more clearly and communicating them effectively. This will enable others to include you in ways that promote healthier relationships and mutual respect.
The first step is recognising the importance of boundaries. By understanding specific scenarios and practising assertive communication, you can begin to unmask safely, even in situations that may feel intimidating. This process will ensure that your authentic self is honoured and respected, allowing you to reveal as much or as little as you choose.
Addressing Sensory Overload in Social Settings
You’re at a family gathering, and the noise and activity become overwhelming. While some people may find this energising, like many autistic individuals, you find it draining, making it difficult to cope.
Autistic individuals often experience heightened sensory sensitivities and expend more energy socialising due to the necessity of masking. Non-autistic people may not realise how challenging such an event can be especially if they are enjoying it.
You could say: “I value our time together, but the noise is a bit overwhelming for me. I will step outside for a few minutes to recharge and I may need to leave soon.”
Managing Unexpected Changes in the Workplace
Your boss moves you to another desk without warning and changes some of your responsibilities while you’re in the middle of a project. This shift is disorienting. You are unclear about your new priorities but worry about appearing awkward or inflexible.
Unexpected changes can cause significant stress for autistic individuals, as many rely on routine. Flexibility is often taken for granted, and it may be assumed that you can quickly interpret new priorities.
You could say: “I understand this work is important. To ensure I complete it effectively, I will need to talk with you about adjusting my priorities.” Previously making your diagnosis known to your boss or HR can help with such accommodations.
Navigating Physical Affection in Romantic Relationships
Your partner initiates physical affection. You love and are attracted to them deeply but are not comfortable with any physical contact at that moment due to your sensitivity.
Physical touch can be overwhelming for some autistic individuals, even with loved ones. Your sensitivity may vary depending on your level of stress or tiredness, which can take you time to understand yourself and can be confusing for your partner.
To avoid these unpleasant sensations you could say: “I love you very much, but right now I feel quite sensitive and need some space. Let’s cuddle later when I’m feeling more comfortable and relaxed.”
Responding to Social Invitations from Friends
When a friend invites you to a large social event, you may feel anxious, as these gatherings can be overwhelming. It’s important to recognise that it’s perfectly acceptable to prioritise your comfort by avoiding events that drain your energy. You can still maintain connections by suggesting smaller meetings instead.
You could say: “Thank you for thinking of me! Large events can be overwhelming for me. I would love to spend some time with you, though. How about we catch up over coffee instead?”
Handling Misinterpretations of Body Language
Imagine you’re at a resident’s association meeting and someone comments on your lack of eye contact, questioning your interest in the topic or your honesty. This is a common misunderstanding that needs to be addressed. For many autistic individuals, a lack of eye contact does not signify disinterest, deception, or hidden motives. Continually making eye contact may be distracting or even painful.
You could respond: “I may not always make eye contact, but I am fully engaged in our conversation, and I sincerely mean what I say. I have no hidden agenda regarding this topic.”
Communicating During Emotional Overwhelm
If you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed and need a break from a particular interaction, it’s crucial to communicate this need. I’ve found that it may take some practice to be aware of this feeling when it’s building. You might come across as hurt or angry, even if you can’t explain why. Taking time out to process your emotions can help prevent an autistic meltdown, which might lead to actions you could regret.
You could say: “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now. I need some time alone to decompress and process what’s just happened. I’ll catch up with you later.”
Declining Requests That Exceed Your Capacity
If a colleague gives you the opportunity to take on additional work and you already feel at capacity, it’s important to acknowledge your limits. Overcommitting can lead to you being off sick because of autistic burnout, and both you and others need to recognise and respect this boundary. Sometimes, this may mean forgoing financial rewards for overtime, which can be hard for people to understand particularly if you are part-time.
You could respond: “I want to help, but my current workload prevents me from taking on anything extra. If I have any ideas of who else might be able to do this I’ll let you know.”
Implementing These Boundaries
You may have embraced your autism and understood your needs but still find implementing boundaries challenging. However, with practice, these boundaries can become empowering tools for self-protection. Begin by setting small, manageable boundaries in low-stress situations to build your confidence.
By consistently recognising and honouring your needs, you’ll cultivate self-respect, maintain your privacy, and improve your relationships. Embracing your authentic self allows you to navigate the world with greater ease and fulfilment. Remember, setting boundaries is a courageous act of self-care, enabling transformation and paving the way for a more genuine and satisfying life.
Related post: Unlocking Autistic Potential in Professional and Community Settings